It's hard to write about this because I saw this awful disease take my first cousin, I remember before she passed I was having my first biopsy (that was when my oldest daughter was a little over a year old) my cousin and I would text back and forth and would tell me she was praying for me with all her might. She was the strongest person with the strongest will to live. She kept her friends and family all updated on her treatments via email and I run across emails from time to time since her passing, I still keep her texts saved in my phone, I still get so emotional, it's very surreal losing someone so close to you. I know she's no longer suffering, she's in heaven pain free. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord (2 Corithians 5:8) I can't quote bible verses to save me. But that one I repeat each time she enters my mind. Each time I hear of anyone passing, I find comfort in it.
... I received a letter early June this year that my yearly mammogram was due. I have been living in fear, this terror enters my body when I think of it. I had been praying since early this year to overcome fear to let things be and fall where they should, to let God have his way, to guide me and protect me. I was dreading my appointment like you have no idea. I made the appointment and I went in, this time around I felt a sense of peace, I felt calm. My prayers were answered. I had a little pep in my step. Of course I don't realize this till after the mammogram was over. I didn't cry. This time I didn't cry. In the past years just getting undressed to put the gown on, I would be sobbing. I would be a hot mess. The mammogram technicians were probably sick of me. But I can't explain it. I would think of the worse. This time I left and was like "bam!!!" That was easy. The day went by, the next day came and I was like wow! My letter should be coming in the mail, all is good, right?
Well I decided to take a walk at work like 2 days later, To check on something in my old department where I used to sit with my really good friends. So I happen to stop by and say hi, as I stood in my friends cubicle my cell phone rang. No one calls me anymore, who class right? And I recognized the phone number. It was Kaiser. "Hi, Gabriela?" (My voice already cracking) "yes it's me" - well to make a long story short they saw something on my right breast. Of course I was a hot mess the rest of the day, all the days leading up until the "diagnostic mammogram" which I believe is another way of saying - squeezing the shit out of your breasts, but just horizontally but vertically too. If you want to paint a picture in your mind. I'm a "b" cup, that means "barely boobs" means I at least graduated from training bras. The day came, I went in and sat waiting for them to call me in. Now if you want to paint another picture in your mind: I'm sitting in the mammogram waiting area with other women, most of them were a lot older, and we are chit chatting, felt like a movie when the prisoners ask each other "what are you in for" of course that was me asking. Yes... it's personal, I know. But if making conversation with these women takes my mind off stuff or better yet, helps them take their mind off stuff then I'm all about the chatter. The stupid TV had one of those soap operas that have been going on since I was a kid. So we talked about that, they kind of giggled, I told them all they would squeeze of me would prob be just nipple (sorry TMI) but it made them laugh. I don't mind being the bud of a joke. It's funny. If it makes other laugh at my expense and if it's no big deal, it's okay. I try to not take myself too serious and well to say the least, for a minute we probably forgot where we were. ------ Gabriela! Gabriela! Awww shit that's me... Then my heart sank "again". Shit just got real. They do their thing, the tug, squeeze, hold your breath, breathe out - thing. It was over before I knew it. I was like cool! I can go now, right? Ms. They'll send me something in the mail right? I gotta get going. She said well just put your robe on again and wait in the waiting room again, you will get your results right away, the doctor needs to see. (At this point I'm trying to remain calm, in my mind I'm like "efffffffff what now?" I sit and try to pay attention to the awful programming choice they got going on. Then they come back to get me. "Mrs. Huerta, please keep your gown on open in the front and put this one on open to the back, the doctor would like to speak to you" at this point I don't even know what to think, of course the worse goes through your mind. So I tried not to let my fear and anxiety show through. I'm praying like crazy!!!! I go in to see the doctor in a dim room he has my scans magnified in the huge monitors. He said he found something on the right where they initially saw something suspicious, AND, AND, the big freaking AND.... and Mrs. Huerta we see something on the left side too (side note: I'm a mess inside at this point, I'm like wtf wtf wtf... I remember him saying they were calcifications, I remember all I was trying to do at that point was read what he had finished typing in the screen, he had made up his mind at that point right? He had written down what he was gonna explain to me, so like the impatient shit I can be, I even said "what can you repeat that again?, because I zoned out and was looking right at the screen. He said based on my family history he is scheduling me for a biopsy. I was like wow, wow, wow... This isn't happening. And I left that morning feeling defeated yet hopeful because I knew that wasn't the end, it was for precautionary reasons. my family and friends made me feel relieved and I texted everyone I know asking for prayers. This is some really hmbling shit. I couldn't wait to get home, shed tears and let it out, kiss and hug my babies and hubby tight, and in all of this emotional crisis I was feeling I still felt Gods love. Gotta go getting off the bus guys... So sorry I didn't finish this and maybe wrote more than I should have. Guess a part 3 is coming to get to biopsy experience in. Thanks for reading. And please, please check your boobies.
xOXO
Gabriela
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